Bejart's Word Space

Half-way......
The pre-amble – if there had been genetic testing back in the day when my great-great grandparents were hookin’ up they would have seriously reconsidered the plague they were about to unleash on their descendents to come. On my mom’s side – holy mother of genetic predispositions – runs heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes (1 & 2), breast cancer and let’s throw in some neurological stuff for fun – epilepsy, MS, etc. On my dad’s (healthier) side just some run o’ the mill Alzheimer’s, stroke, weird & rare facial bone cancers and a couple of random brain tumors. With all that said, 3 of my grandparents lived into their early 90’s. But last year when I went in for my annual check-up, I was a bit shocked to learn that my cholesterol had climbed to nearly 200. My doc shrugged it off, “genetic” based on my healthy lifestyle and all, time to consider (lifelong) meds. Hmmm… that didn’t sit so well with me.

So I thought, “what if I lose 20 lbs say?” I know it’s genetic, but what if I take a wee bit of extra responsibility reduce my animal product intake (even more), cut back on fats and lose a size or two. Well the year came and went and I had done nothing about it – hurumph. So all these years that I have wondered why people don’t make simple changes that could make them feel so much better. And here I am – accused, guilty as charged, but not yet sentenced.

Getting serious. I think about July I started getting serious about this little project. My lifelong way of getting my body back has always been to be more active and let the food & appetite follow in step, but the reality of my age, my stress levels and my time made that an unrealistic choice. So I decided to try something I have always dreaded – calorie counting. I nabbed some easy tools off the net and calculated a rough maintenance calorie intake level and then made up my mind to shave off 2-300 calories a day off that – and sometimes it’s as high 500. I’m using a counter off igoogle to keep track daily – I usually only count up to when I leave work and then have an idea in my head about how much I have to play with. And yes, I’m measuring – not everything but certainly any fats and sugars. Oh and finally, I weigh myself once a week.

What I’ve learned. I am in love with the awareness this has brought around food. I really know what I’m putting in my mouth. I now know what ‘real’ hunger is and what full feels like without being slightly uncomfortable. I love looking at something decadent and really making a decision – that doesn’t really taste *that* good, I’ll save the calories for something really fun. I also found out – thanks to Seth wanting to try reducing wheat (thanks honey) – that wheat really doesn’t agree with me. Eliminating wheat helped me drop the first 5 real quick and I noticed almost in passing that after about 3 weeks of wheat free I hadn’t even had so much as a gas bubble. This has also been a wonderful way to eat up all those healthy veggies from our CSA – this is the first year we’ve pretty much eaten everything.

The results. I’m halfway to goal having lost 10 lbs. I’ve lost a total of 15 inches off the ‘big’ parts (I had randomly put my measurements into a shopping site a couple years back, so had my baseline). My BMI has also dropped over 2 points, bringing me down from the highest healthy number. I had to buy a pair of emergency jeans and going tonight to buy an emergency bra (I’ve dropped 2.5 inches off my band size). Most of my business pants are falling off me, but all those fabulous stretchy dresses are just hugging me a little tighter. I’m having less headaches and my PMS symptoms are way less; overall I’m feeling way better & healthier. I’m giving myself a little pat on the back on this one. While overall it’s been easier than I thought it would be, I’m really proud of how I’ve approached it. The inspiration is easy – no drugs – but more importantly I’m thinking about the healthy years ahead of me loving up on my Mister….. *who* by the way makes me feel beautiful, sexy and desirable at any size. He’s let me do this on my own terms and has never pressured me to lose or not lose – just appreciates my curves big & small.

I’ll let y’all know when I hit my goal. I think my reward will be a nice facial, though I probably need to save up to replace most of my wardrobe. And now I’ll be making that annual doc appt and we’ll see what *those* numbers have to say. Even if I haven’t dented the cholesterol, I feel confident enough now to say, “I think I’m healthy enough without the meds. Let’s wait & see”.

Current Mood: accomplished

Weekends….
Well we really don’t have them to speak of. Since Seth started working for the book store, we don’t get days together unless one of us takes a vacation day. So we eek it out on 4 together evenings a week and the random day off. But Adobe’s been squeaking out the pennies and forcing vacations every quarter; I’m so dang stretched I haven’t even been able to take those. Until this past weekend when I simply *had* to take the time. A whole Sunday and a whole Monday all with my love – like gettin’ dessert… twice.

Sunday strolled lazily in like it always does then stretched out like a desert highway, an unending amount of time before us. Our first adventure landed us down the street at the Wild Mountain Café for a scrumptious start – me lapping up the Fremont Fool all housemade granola, yoghurt & fruit while Seth indulged in the Benedict with lox. We sat by the window watching the Sunday couples and families make their way in for breakfast all the while sipping some good Joe.

We took our full bellies along with Sadie and made our way down to Green Lake for a hardy lap ‘round. The sun joined us along with a crowd of Sunday walkers. Sadie walked and sniffed and marked and worked up a little pant. She met a few friends along the way and always, always the fans. She patiently waited while a little boy worked up his courage to give her a good pet, relief spreading into joy across his face. We were all glad to round that last bend and have a big slurp of water.

Back home to pack up a mini-picnic and then we headed back out for a trip about 40 minutes due east to the farm where we get our CSA-veggies. I have been there before but it has been about 15 years. I knew exactly how to find it and was of course surprised by the rising sprawl all around that precious ‘urban’ farmland. The farm store is closed on Sundays, but I knew my way to the back where we could enjoy some u-pick flowers & herbs. We spent almost 2 hours making our way through the crops. My horticulturist boyfriend knows a whole lot about palms & cycads but doesn’t know what beets look like when they’re growing in the ground. So we wandered through, me pointing out gourds on the vine and carrot tops ready to be picked. We walked through chard fields and beets, then hoop houses with cukes, tomatoes and every kind of basil. Behind that we found pole beans and rows and rows of fall corn – they look about three quarters done and my mouth is watering already. While I let my farmer’s genes come out to play, Seth was more fascinated by the road glass and horse poop, kicking dandelions and munching on fresh blackberries.

After a thorough tour, we brought out our picnic and ate in the little gazebo, surrounded by sage and mint. Seth wandered off as he often does while I started u-picking chard, mint and a zillion basils – red, cinnamon, lemon, Thai. And lastly, a few bouquets of flowers – sweet peas for their decadent smell, camos, dahlias, zinnias, huge sunflowers in red, yellow & dappled along with a ton of other things I could not name. A scenic drive took us home; Seth found his way to the back deck with a good book and I began sorting and clipping and arranging a sea of color. I joined Seth for delicious rest on the deck, where we both smiled and look out at our trees and said like we always do, “can you believe we live here?” A delicious meal from the grill sent us into the final moments of the day in bliss.

Current Mood: peaceful

Sunday delicious Sunday
I don’t often grocery shop on Sundays anymore. I’ve got my schedule wrapped pretty tight – CSA delivery on Wednesday, evaluate contents & menu plan on Thursday, shop Friday after work but before my weekly call with my best friend. And while on the phone, I unpack groceries and wash and prepare CSA veggies.

But it so happens that I traveled this past week and was just too pooped to do anything before Sunday. When shopping on Sundays I try to get out before the churchies let out – but it seldom works out that way, and this Sunday was no different. The temps have cooled significantly so I first headed with Sadie over to Green Lake for a lap around – just shy of 3 miles – right when the sun was breaking through the clouds. So Sadie panted and I broke a wee sweat as we made our way around, answering questions about Sadie’s breed, avoiding a few aggressive pinch-collared dogs and losing our hearts to a little baby corgi with his biggo Dumbo ears.

So onward to our local co-op for the bulk of our goodies. You’d think my grocery bill would go down in summer since I’ve pre-paid for a butt-load of locally grown organic veggies, but I more than make up for it, loading up my cart with all my favorite summer fruits – Many Hands Blueberries, the biggest fattest plump blueberries all grown nearby (how can I resist the 2 quart tub & save $4?!); locally grown nectarines (Seth’s favorite!), still a bit hard but soon ripened in their brown paper wrapper sitting in my kitchen window; more black mission figs - okay they’re not local but I’m sure the love I exude when devouring them makes up for a little something. I throw in a few extra veggies to round out our week of grilling – a couple of portabella ‘shrooms, some corn on the cob and a couple of taters.

A quick stop by Trader Joe’s for some organic savings and back home – a total round trip of 3 hours. The unpacking of it all is an exercise in total indulgence. First unpack figs & blueberries, second wash and eat a fig for fortitude, head back across kitchen to unpack, reverse and grab two more figs, get lost in a train of thought about how sensuous figs are…. How could anyone not love figs? Especially black figs? I could eat my weight in figs, I could sleep with figs, figs are better than anything, figs are like little fertile ovaries from the earth. Second start unpacking rice, soymilk & canned goods, use one hand to unpack while other hand opens blueberries, grabs a handful, rinses & stuffs into mouth – exclaim that these are the best blueberries on the planet! Stuff so many in a few pop back out, moosh & squish into juicy summer sailboats-in-sunset-children-on-swingsets-dogs-in-the-park-corn-on-the-grill goodness. Really, is there anything better? For future calculation, takes 5 figs and about a cup & a half of blueberries to unpack week’s worth of groceries.

Sunday dinner was a tribute to our CSA – a pasta salad with not much pasta, but a ton of veggies steamed & lightly sautéed – kohlrabi, rainbow carrots, zucchini, yellow summer squash, onions, fennel, green beans and a smattering of fresh parsley (alllll from our CSA). And the whole of it was tossed in the pesto I had made with our CSA basil. Dinner was waiting for Seth when he rode in from the bookstore & had a big ol’ bowl - yum; I had a smaller one being just a little bit full from all that unpacking work. The final touch – a warm cup of tea and a snuggle with my love & our furballs on the couch.

Current Mood: satisfied

My Mammy
So I went for my yearly mammy last week. Until a couple of years ago & reconnecting with my mother, I didn't know that I had an intense family history of breast cancer. I frankly think it freaks doctors out more than me. And let me clarify that all the women in my family have had very treatable forms of breast cancer and have all survived longer than 5 years, except my mother who just went through it last year.

Anyway they (and you know who 'they' are) called because they wanted more pictures. The only time I could go was early this morning. I made Seth get up and go with me for company. I calmed down and checked in with my body and didn't feel like something was amiss BUT I was dreading them feeling a need to do a biopsy. So we rattled on in at 7:55 this morning and the place was just humming with women getting gowned up.

Apparently the area they wanted to look at was jammed up by my ribs at the back of my breast. As if there wasn't enough mashing going on - they turn the machine upside down, I had to straddle it with my legs while holding my other breast out of the way and sucking in that big ol' buddha belly to get a pic. I come out and there is Seth gowned up and ready to go in - we had quite the chuckle since he was just going to 'set an appointment' while there. I went back in for ANOTHER set of pics while Seth popped in and out quickly, and then rounded out the visit with an ultra sound. After mashing around a bunch of cysts and fibroids - I figure my double d's would be a little ol' a without all that - they determined that it was all normal.

Yipee - now to get that nasty cholesterol down. Maintaining a healthy body is a full time job!

Current Mood: relieved

Grieving Grief
It's been 5 weeks since Oliver passed and I find that I am grieving grief. Now that the excruciating pain has subsided into a dull ache, I long for the acuteness of that first day without him. Because if it was the first day without then it would only be 24 hours since I last held his precious little body, only a couple of months since his diagnosis and just six short months from the time Seth and I looked at Oliver and at each other and 'knew' something was wrong with our little love.

But time goes and a chunky scab has formed over my heart. The hour by hour tear showers have slowed to a summer trickle with the occasional flash flood. I thought that first 2 weeks of putting down 2 bowls instead of 3 would just about kill me, sobbing silently hoping not to disrupt to the meal of our remaining 2. But now I look over at that empty spot on the kitchen floor and just marvel at how quickly time passes and how short 15 years really is when it's all the time you have to love and snuggle and pet and sing to a little fluff ball with giant eyes and a hankering for sandwiches.

I bought flowers for the first time in 5 years a couple weeks back. Oliver loved to eat anything that had once been a living plant. If some old dried up skeleton of a leaf that hadn't been on a living tree in some years happened to get tracked in on your shoe, Oliver would find it, eat it and throw it up before you even noticed that such a thing might be appealing in any way to the little runt. So no house plants or flowers since Seth and his babies packed up and moved from Miami right into my Seattle life. As much as I love having fresh flowers in the house, I'd swear them off in a mili-second for another day with Oliver.

So life is returning to a new normal - one with 2 cats and a dog. I can cook with the compost pale open, knowing that Oliver won't be standing by to dig out perfectly good wilted rotten lettuce or the occasional corn cob that could certainly be gnawed on some more. My lunch can wait undisturbed by my computer bag instead of being placed outside. No one's left that will dig through it and eat my sandwich while I'm putting on make-up.

Yep, it's so much easier not having to do all those little extras to keep Oliver from eating everything (and promptly throwing it up). But every little thing I don't have to do leaves a little hole in the universe. Perhaps those holes are just stars in the sky of my heart, blinking on one at a time, his brilliant light shining through from the other side.

Current Mood: contemplative

My little update….
Well I have been meaning to update for…well…. Months. There was that green belt test, which seems like eons ago, followed by a little flu that turned into a gigantic infection of sinuses and lungs. A month of my life gone – I was actually physically out of the office for a week and a half, which is almost unbelievable for this little workaholic. And of course right during one of the biggest work projects of my career. Which as it turns out has been my entire month of June – traveling most of that time to Salt Lake City of all places as part of the world wide launch of our new call centers. In fact, I’m updating you from my little hotel room, looking out on miles of lowland shrubs and the stark high desert mountains of Utah.

But through it all, our beloved Oliver has been ill with an enlarged heart and some kind of aggressive cancer. What can I say about a relationship where both parties tried really hard not to love each other directly, but only to love what we had in common – our Daddy. But it happened without intent or conscious knowledge on my part, I fell pretty darn hard for that handsome fluff of a guy. And in the end, I think he loved me back just a wee bit.
He wasn’t so keen on my soft touches at first, preferring his Daddy’s rough and tumble wrestling and biting (oh and that snuggling and making out part he did with Daddy every morning). But he was rather fond of my good smelling girl stuff and would make a bed on whatever girl-clothes I happen to toss on the bed or the ottoman. When he rarely picked my lap over Daddy’s, I felt real special and he knew it, doling out his love like imported delicacies to be savored and cherished. I did.

So the heartbreak & devastation facing Seth was obvious and I had many conversations with Oliver after his diagnosis about that. I asked a personal favor that he wait until after my green belt test; I just didn’t think I’d have it in me to re-train for that, and the grief would prevent me from taking it. He honored my request. And then came the travel – we had long chats about when I would be gone and to please wait until I was home so Daddy wouldn’t go through it alone. And I also let him know that I had been through this process a few times, you know kinda experienced and all – and that I would ‘know’ when he let me ‘know’ and we’d walk through it together. And if needed *I* would make the decision for assistance and I wouldn’t make him suffer.

And that is how it all play out – during the one week I was home from travel, a week I had arranged to work from home so as not to leave him alone. The afternoon of his final decline – I knew. Everything in my intuition told me to come home a bit early, to stay near him after he threw up and then everything else that followed told me that it was time. Our final 24 hours together was excruciating and yet I cherish every last little minute we had with him.

Perhaps not so surprising to you after reading the above, but certainly surprising to me, I have been pretty much taken out by my grief over losing our little guy. The dog is so sad & moping, my ancient Tennyson (his arch enemy) has smelled all his beds and cries and cries, and his sister is kinda quiet and eating emotionally. Seth and I seem to take turns breaking down, and are settling into a new routine of sorts – crying, holding, dabbing eyes and telling our favorite stories of a truly great spirit that chose to grace our lives for way to short a time.

Remember the time when Oliver…..

Current Mood: sad

The legend of the green belt test
From the time you become a white belt at my MA school, you begin hearing about the terrifying, challenging – scare the pants off the meanest guy – test. Me? I simply opted out – ‘well I’m not taking a green belt test – ever’. I don’t like to buy into others’ drama and stories about stuff; this feels like all the older kids in my family & neighborhood (I was always the youngest) scaring me about the closet or the trail to school or the woods behind the fire station. Boo! I’m not scared of you.

So when I was asked to test for my green belt– and you must be invited by the Sifu – I was surprised to discover that I wasn’t that freaked out by it. That was a year and a half ago. And I was just being diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and dealing with the recovery from that. Since the point of the green belt test is to exhaust the tester physically, emotionally and psychologically and *then* make them fight for their life, I had to put off training for that intensity until my health was better.

Green belt tests for others have come and gone in that time and I haven’t felt ready to step up my training, but randomly I saw 2 names on the board testing for green May 3rd and I casually said, ‘you can go ahead and add my name to the list’. That was 2 months ago – just enough time to really kick up my training, and add in some endurance and cardio.

I was prepared to deal with a lot of physical issues – injuries, possible relapse of the adrenals – but I was completely surprised by the forceful return of PTSD. When I first started training back in ‘01, it would take me a day sometimes two to emotionally recover from one class. I would cry and curl into a ball not wanting to face anything or anyone. My therapist wanted me to quit, but I felt like if I quit I’d never be able to deal with this stuff. So I didn’t quit then, but boy I sure wanted to quit before green belt. The nightmares returned - sometimes my ex terrorizing me, but more often random evil-doers coming after me or worse making me watch the torture of animals.

And then my demons just decided to move in a take up residence in my head. There is the Victim Girl– she is convinced that the world is out to do her in. And it’s *not* her fault, she is innocent, just minding her own business. Oh and then The Defender jumps in – she gets into verbal fights with EVERYONE. And she can think up amazing reasons the cards are stacked against her and she has no responsibility for *any* of it. And she is going to tell the school and all the teachers how they let her down and disappointed her. She will guilt-trip them to death. And her evil cousin The Insulter – now she is just flat out cruel. She can cut you with words – a vicious spin of intelligence and venom. And when none of these can wrestle down the fears Catatonic Girl takes over and just gives up; she is just a lump that refuses help, that will barely even breathe for herself. These, my friends, have been my constant companions for the last two months.

This crew of thought-makers literally exhausted me into a melt-down. So I took a ‘new earth’ perspective and realized this: I am not these thoughts, I am not this body, I am not how good or bad I do on this test, I am not even a martial artist - *I* am simply the space in which all these things take place. I decided to simply be present for the experience of the test.

And *that* is exactly how it went – presence, curiosity and humor. More to come….

Current Mood: sore

Oliver… in between worlds….
Well we went to the cardiologist this morning the get Oliver’s heart checked. His recent collapsing events seem to indicate that his heart is getting worse, so we were there getting updated tests with a plan to likely put him on meds. While there, the doc thought she felt something in his abdomen and so we proceeded with a test to check that.

What we know is that Oliver’s heart condition has greatly worsened, but we also know that he has some sort of cancer. We can only know what kind of cancer if they stick a big ol’ needle in. The net-net is that the cancer is much more aggressive than the heart disease. If we proceed with chemo, the drugs will most likely worsen the heart. And if the cancer requires surgery, he wouldn’t live through it. If we do nothing the cancer will take him… and sooner than later. Our likely course will be no intervention, but pain management and natural remedies to ease transition.

It is breaking my heart – to watch our little guy struggle and to watch my big guy crumble under the weight of all that love. Oliver didn’t make it easy for me to love him; he’s a Daddy’s boy and he didn’t take too kindly to sharing his bed and his Daddy with a girl. But after a couple of years, he would once in a while lie on Daddy’s lap and put a paw on me – yep, he had started his evil plan to make me love him. And then, every so often he would choose my lap over Daddy’s; I was “chosen” by that big galoot and my heart let him move right in. And now when I come home from work, its Oliver I look for first – just to make sure he’s okay and give him a special knowing love.

We can pay for specialists and diagnostics, raw food and homeopaths, but we can’t make him live forever. I feel honored to witness this in between phase while he navigates from this slowing, earthly time to the magic of the spirit world. We will be oh so blessed if he decides to stay on as an angel.

Please send out a prayer for my beloved; his heart is going to have a big ol’ hole in it.

Current Mood: sad

Sometimes...
a day comes along and it's just about near perfect - that was today. Sunday is my only day to sleep in, but that never stops my ancient kitty-boy from starting his belly-aching at 5:30, "mama, get up. mama, feed me". This morning DaddyBear locked him away in his room so I could get some rest, and then got up earlier than his usual to get them all fed; he even closed the bedroom door so I could rest in quiet. Just as my rested eyes were peaking open, DaddyBear was looking in on me. He brought me coffee in bed, and we sat there staring out at those still-bare trees with our babies hugging up tight - even Sadie wedged her way in between legs and kittens.

we no longer have whole days together, one or the other of us is always off to work. But DaddyBear had Sunday-morning-breakfast ideas. So I did my quick-femme-up and we were out the door 20 minutes later, on our way to Wild Mountain Cafe. I ordered up the Buddha's Happiness with plenty of protein to get me through the day and we split one of their 4-inch high dripping with butter-frosting cinnamon rolls. I had dessert and coffee before my breakfast ever arrived!

though DaddyBear had to leave for the bookstore, I finished up my weekly shopping list & menu and packed the car for the shopping errands - and a surprise walk around Green Lake for Sadie. It was 50 & sunny, a seeming luxury these days. The path was packed with every sun-starved seattle-ite out for some vitamin D, a run or a dog-walk. We saw all the shapes and sizes - two separate pairs of German Shephards, random little dogs all puffed up and tough, a big fat Boxer and a Great Dane puppy scared of his own shadow and especially of a tiny girl on a tricycle.

then me and Sadie were off to PCC and Trader Joe's where I loaded up for the week. I was gone last weekend, so I had some serious shopping to do. Last stop - the fish store for some fresh Halibut. I've been cooking away ever since and just about wooped myself entirely out. So here's my little cooking accomplishment list:
-kitchen-sink tuna salad - with apples, currents, carrots & celery
-curried quinoa salad - I love this crisp fresh high protein salad
-granola for this week's breakfasts
and tonight's menu
- rosemary sweet potato bakes
- grilled asparagus
- broiled halibut

I'm a little too pooped to make up the whole wheat pizza dough for Tuesday night's portobella pizzas. Something to look forward ......

Current Mood: happy

MR. Tony say…..
Here is my spam of the day from the articulate MR. Tony.
Hi Sir,
I have a computer in which u see ur future r u interested for buy it.
Tony

I don’t know at a time like this it is so tempting to buy a computer that would tell me my future. And MR Tony sounds like such a reputable guy, how could I resist? Well at least I received the chuckle for free.

Current Mood: amused

observings from the sunshine state....
as most of you know, my love and I have been visiting his home for the past week. the florida of *my* youth consisted of the Miami Dolphins; i routed for them always because i like their "costumes" and of course they had flipper as their mascot. and then there was that whole anita bryant thing. but the Miami of Seth's youth was.... well everything.

it is the people - his family & friends - that draws him back, though the respite from Seattle's cold-wet aint bad either. and i take a back seat, or passenger seat as the case may be, while he schedules one visit after another, careful not to mix the adopted family with the bio-family and never to mix bio-mom & bio-dad and then there's that soft line between the christians and the jews.

but i love watching it all and watching my love get loved up on. i can be fiercely protective when we get around his mom. i'm continually amazed how she can sneak in a dig or a hook and occasionally some outright cruelty. she loves in the only way she knows how - terribly imperfect.

the weather has been downright blissful and i was right not to bring along our liquid vitamin d, here where my skin is drinking it in daily. we have stayed in one spot this time, kind of a relief from our usual pack up and go every couple of days. we've been staying with Seth's adopted family - the dentons - the home where my budding butch found a permanent place at the age of 17 when he came for an overnight and stayed 3+ years. and he is wrapped up in their big family arms. they literally take in all the strays - cats and dogs - and of course lots of queers that need a soft landing and real love and a place at the dinner table for christmas or easter or anytime they need.

i have often thought of getting a little condo for us to stay at on our trips, but i realize now that there would be no coffee and morning chats with this dear family. the comfort and casualness of it all.... i feel some part of my love's spirit relax and stretch and send out a primordial "ahhhhhh....."

so for now, when we have enough vacation time and the temps & humidity aren't too high in miami and we can manage it at all - we'll be here in the palms & sun & the tropical breeze.

we head home tomorrow and i'll update more if i can, though i expect work to sweep me off my feet before the plane lands. bless you all from the tropics.

Mornings like these…..
It’s a quiet Friday in the office, doors closed, folks heads down at the computer or in lively conference calls. We are having unseasonably sunny and warm weather – for February. There is still frost on the courtyard grass from last night’s temperature dip, but the sky’s pale winter blue promises another “warm” day in the mid-50’s. With not a stitch of wind, the water on the channel is nearly glass but for the weakest ripples from the rowers that passed a few minutes ago. Morning sun is just touching down on the water and throwing up a mesmerizing dance of light on the Fremont Bridge, urging the morning drivers to slow down and take notice. They scurry on defeating beauty once again.

Gay Bunnies
In my new office, I am on the backside of our building which is a U shape. The U middle is our courtyard. Though it is stunningly beautiful in the summer, the winter landscape is also beautiful with the ornamental grasses sporting their buzz cuts and the cherry and maple trees stripped to their bones.

But what I have discovered is that there is a bunny couple that live in the courtyard. And well..... they're gay. Because how else can you explain their long tenure and lack of babies? Any hetero bunnies would have long since outworn their welcome. They are nice and chubby, making their way daily over to the gazebo to nibble up any dropped lunchings. And they seem to like to dare each other with random dashes out into the unprotected lawn. This is especially daring during the occasional wiffle ball games. But mostly they hang around under the shrubs and munch at the edge of the grass.

I like them. They remind me to slow down and take a risk once in a while - just for fun.

New age Dad and chubby Daughter
So I have been going to my “new” chiropractor since we moved into our new house – about 3 years. Now I go to a super groovy kind of chiropractor who does network spinal analysis – its super light touch and very much works with energy. Adjustments happen in a big room with about 7 tables and a bunch of folks all in there with you. And I often end up getting adjusted with New Age Dad – he’s a big guy, about 6’ to 6’2” with a big frame, not fat just a big ol’ massive guy with a very teddy bearish kind of way about him. And he just a moans and a groans and deep breathes while on the table, startling at first but I’ve gotten used to him. He seems like a really good dad, very gentle and loving.

And he brings his daughter with him. I would guess she was about 11 or 12 when I first saw her – all pudgie-ness with glasses and well ….. some kind of hippy looking clothes. She LOVES kids, and she’s really good with them. She’ll suck up any opportunity to watch over a patient’s little ones. She’s clearly used to hanging out with adults and I’ve gathered from her conversations with the Dr’s wife that she plans on being a teacher. But of course I worry – she is about to head into high school and she seems like a target for teasing - chubby & smart, glasses and out-of-date clothes.

But something happened in the last few months to that little girl. She shot up about 6-8 inches, nearly as tall as her dad; she seems to have stretched all the chubby-ness into some budding woman-curves. Her face has slimmed, revealing the beautiful woman she is about to become, and her body somehow matches her premature maturity. She’s still got the glasses, but I noticed her clothes are kinda hip now – ballet flats and some hipster jeans. I’m not so worried now, just amazed at how the whole growing up thing happens, especially how girls become women.

Current Mood: contemplative

An Open Letter to Dr. Oi-Lin Chen
The following was sent in response to seeing this company president on the list of donors to Prop 8. A little known company to most, but one I've spent a lot of money with over the years - and one that I'll be boycotting.

November 7, 2008
Dr. Oi-Lin Chen
President
Sunrider International
1625 Abalone
Torrance, CA 90501

Dear Dr. Chen,

I have practiced martial arts for nine years, and in that time I’ve taken some pretty hard kicks to the gut. But none of those can compare to the blow I felt reading your name among the donors in support of Proposition 8 in California. I have consumed Sunrider products off and on for the last eighteen years and I feel betrayed by an old friend. More than that, I am sickened to think that some part of the tens of thousands of dollars I spent with your company contributed to hate.

Dr. Chen, you could do a lot of good with $25,000, but you chose to support hate and bigotry, and to strip a minority group of a basic civil right – even if that group includes your loyal customers. I see that your company does attempt good works. Don’t you find it a bit disingenuous for Sunrider to sponsor the AIDs Walk Los Angeles while its president undermines the civil rights of many AIDs victims? Your husband states on your website, “Our mission is to improve the lifestyles and well-being of people around the world.” I would suggest you reevaluate your mission, as your donation goes a long way to do just the opposite. Your company openly displays a non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, along with stating under your company values that Sunrider, “appreciates the richness of experience, culture and perspective derived from a diverse workforce.” How can a company that truly embraces diversity and non-discrimination employ a leader that takes action directly against these principles? Quite simply, it can’t. Lip service is not leadership, Dr. Chen and as company president, you have failed your company, your customers and your fellow Californians.

You, your husband and your children have benefitted greatly from the “American Dream”. You have much to be proud of, and you’ve overcome many challenges and struggles along the way. Not so long ago, the color of your skin, your gender and your national origin would have kept you from the very success that allowed you to make such a generous donation to hate. I’m proud of my lifelong commitment to eradicate racism, xenophobia, sexism and homophobia so that families like yours can live free of hate and prosper. Yet you would deny me and my family access to the same rights and responsibilities of full citizenship. You not only condone but financially support unfair taxation of my community and you perpetuate dismissing us as second class citizens.

Dr. Chen, this is where we part ways. Due to the installation of a moral backbone at birth, I must now suspend my use of your products until your discriminatory actions stop and are corrected. I am convinced that this action will hurt me far more than it will hurt you. I’m sure Sunrider will barely notice the $250 a month I spend with you, but hate and bigotry make a bitter brew; one I can no longer consume in my morning tea.

May you find whatever peace you need to open your heart.

Current Mood: pissed off

warning - suicide story
Less than a month after moving into my beautiful new digs at work, a horrible suicide scene played out outside my old office. I took a 7:30 am meeting from home Monday morning and headed to the office a little before 9. What usually takes 15 minutes turned into almost an hour of slow creeping toward the office, which means only one thing – something’s wrong with hwy 99 and the aurora bridge. When I get within eye-shot of the bridge I can see ambulances and other service vehicles parked on the south side of the bridge, and not a stitch of traffic moving by. Too sudden for roadwork and a bit too long of a back up for an ordinary accident – my conclusion is that there is a jumper. My fear is confirmed with I get to the office and our street has been blocked and there are aid cars below the bridge as well. No cars or pedestrians are allowed near as they could be casualties in this suicide attempt.

My co-workers tell me that a man has been hanging from the bridge since 6:30am while negotiators are trying to talk him down. After 3 hours of holding on, he let go and landed in the plantings just outside my old office. Though managers had the good sense to close the blinds, folks could hear his landing in the offices near. He survived the initial fall having fallen through trees and onto the softer dirt, rather than hitting the pavement. The paramedics worked to save his life and rushed him to harborview hospital, where he passed away later that day.

As always, I sent thoughts of love and gratitude to the victim, hoping that finally his suffering has ended. And I say a special prayer for all those that love him; I know their painful journey is just beginning.

May we all find peace.

Current Mood: sad

my voting story......
Seth and I completed our election homework last night, looking up the nitty, gritty on propositions, initiatives and measures - good god!! I had the voter's pamphlet all tagged before bed, but then wasn't able to sleep last night, tossing and turning, nervous about the election. I'm a bit more nervous about our governor's race than the presidential race. I had a bunch of meetings in the morning, noon yoga and then off to vote. I gave Seth a hard time about not hiding the voter's pamphlet at which he laughed - only to have to email me before I left work to vote that he'd left it in the car, but he emailed me my choices and notes - whew!!

This is the last year that we will have poll voting. I have been voting at the polls since I was 18. My mom used to take me down to the polls at Memorial Hall where we'd get a bit of time with my gramma who always, always worked the polls. So..... I sure wasn't going to miss out this year, but also didn't want to spend hours. So I parked at home and walked the 7 blocks to Our Redeemers Lutheran Church Fellowship Hall. I was a bit disappointed to find the place pretty empty, about 10-15 people voting and absolutely no lines. My sense, however, is that this is an older neighborhood, with pretty staunch voters and there won't be a rush of newbies to change up the patterns. (I might walk back down to check it out this evening tho)

I sat down at the table with my blackberry cheat sheet and carefully filled in those bubbles, triple checked everything and then slid my ballot into the vote sucker. After nearly throwing up in yoga class from the tension, I suddenly found myself ravenous. I picked up the pace to get back home and downed some potato salad, a scone and a big cup of iced tea. Man.... this election has got me all twisted up sumpin' horrible. Guess that's what hope can do to a girl.

As for tonight, I think we'll splurge on pizza and watch the results come in. I'm hoping I'll get some news that'll make me sleep like a baby.

Current Mood: hopeful

bulk foods, fantasies & invisibility
So I spotted a butch in the co-op today. She was lingering near the bulk foods in plaid and heavy boots; I was busy stocking up on staples - whole wheat pastry flour, turtle beans, rolled oats, coconut, tamari almonds. I imagined that she might have noticed my ring and thought to herself, "man there's a lucky butch out there". And she would have been right, leaning in she could see on the back of my disorderly grocery list, another list - the week's meals planned with care & love. Tonight's special of fresh alaskan halibut, served with mashed yellow finns we got from our garden share, the last garden cob of corn and cardamom dinner rolls from our local bakery; beans already soaking for a Sunday night dinner of hardy black bean soup accompanied by sweet cornbread. For our brown bags the very last vestige of our summer cherry tomatoes - the ones I made Seth buy and plant and then water and care for - will be sliced and marinated in olive oil & champagne vinegar along with some fresh basil & feta cheese; this will make a nice salad duo with my red potato salad dripping in 3-mustard dressing. And as the week wears on, I'll be baking up a couple of the pumpkins that have been tricking in from the garden for the last month and making them into my pumpkin molasses bread, served warm with a spread of ricotta.

But when I look up she has gone without so much as a grin. For once, I wanted to be the delightfully unavailable femme not another straight girl cooking for her dred-headed hippy boy. Maybe if my Mister had been there in plaid and heavy boots some years ago, he would have lingered a bit longer. Maybe he would have flashed that half-grin with the dimple, and I would have bit the inside of my cheek so as not to smile too big, looking sideways at him as I loaded my cart with staples. And maybe, we would have seen each other again at the check out. He would have offered to help me load my big bags of fresh food since he only had that one little sack. And maybe for once, he would have risked his pride and asked me if I wanted to go for a cup of tea. And I would have fought every logical reason to say no, and accompanied him next door where hours would have passed without either of us noticing. And by the next week, I would have been cooking for that handsome butch with the half-smile and an empty kitchen. And maybe things would have turned out pretty much the same - a lucky butch and a lucky femme sharing a home and a homemade meal.

The affair continues…..
6 years ago I asked Catssu – a handsome south-Florida church-going Jew, a nerdy plant boi, a self-defined Stone Butch, a contented bachelor – to meet me in Ptown for a brief passionate affair amidst the first gathering of butches and femmes from a tiny little website. 6 years ago I offered to lose my heart, but instead found the love of my life. 6 years ago I risked my heart, still held together with bandaids and rubber bands and wishful prayers, and discovered a profound healing delivered at the heart and hands of a gentleman butch. 6 years ago my heart would have walked away with a weekend, but my soul captured timeless.

untitled

meet me in the fall
meet me where the cold air blows off the northern sea
and the trees are on fire
bleeding into the sky

meet me where hope won't fail
but grows wild like a hardy weed
taking root in barren soil
drawing life from nothing
drawing life from everything

meet me where the ocean roars
the sound of it
loud enough to soften
my screaming wailing heart
loud enough to disguise
my begging and my pleading
to be nothing but a wistful prayer

meet me where the world
stands still between
the warmth of summer
and the cruelty of winter
where life is only one day long

meet me where my heart
stands still between
the sweet young girl
and the hardened old woman

cradle me there in the place
where I have longed to love you
where I have longed to touch you
where I have waited to stand
my hand in your hand
before the God that dared
to put his lips to your skin
to kiss you openly
to burn his mark on you
to make you kissed-by-god

and I will stand before your God
and put my lips to your skin
and I will kiss you openly
and make you kissed-by-me
mark you
kissed by one true love

I will make you mine on one October morn
when life is only one day long
and I am god for one brief kiss
and my heart is as big as the sky

Happy Anniversary MFB

Current Mood: indescribable

* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
* Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST

We must take the no of the way that closes and find the guidance it has to offer - and take the yes of the way that opens and respond with the yes of our lives.

from Let Your Life Speak, Listening for the Voice of Vocation
Parker J. Palmer

Advertisement